What Are “me Messages”?

Human communication is characterized by extreme complexity. For this reason, we have developed a series of strategies that allow us to express ourselves more adequately. It includes in particular the “me messages”. In this article, we tell you what it is.

“Me messages” are a particularly useful communication tool when we want to express our thoughts or emotions without hurting our interlocutor.

Imagine, for example, a situation where we don’t like the way someone else is behaving. Most of us will find it difficult to express our discomfort and the feelings it generates.

In these kinds of circumstances, we often avoid saying what we really think so as not to create a conflict, and if we do say so, we don’t find the right words to be assertive enough not to offend the other person.

In this case, “me messages” are a very suitable technique. Indeed,  they allow us to express ourselves in a respectful way without making blame.

What are “me messages”?

“Me messages” are a communication strategy that gives us the opportunity to show our feelings in an assertive way, without attacking our interlocutor.

To achieve them, we prioritize first-person speech, focus our attention on the fact that we are speaking and we describe the emotions it generates in us.

For example, saying: “ You never take anything and you never put anything in its place, you always forget ” is a criticism that could occur between two people who live together. Faced with this sentence, it is easy for the person in question to feel assaulted and to react in the same way.

On the other hand, saying: “ This last month, I have carried all the weight of the chores at home and I have felt little supported ”, will be a much more appropriate way of communicating. The person describes what happened and expresses their feelings, but does not focus on the accusation of the other.

Expressing the message in this way generates that the interlocutor can feel more empathy towards us, as well as not feeling judged and expressing his emotions more easily.

Differences between “me messages” and “you messages”

The “you messages” are the ones we usually use in a poorly managed chat. Let’s look at some of the differences with “messages me”.

The blame

“You” messages hinder good communication, as the other person can easily feel attacked if they are blamed for what has happened. Insisting on guilt will only have the opposite effect : that it defends itself, that it does not take its share of responsibility and that it opposes other criticisms to its arguments.

The “I messages”, by cons, minimize defensiveness. Our interlocutor will not answer in the same way if we say: “ I felt bad yesterday because of you ”, than if we said: “ I was sad yesterday because you did not call me “.

The jugement

In “you messages”, the sender is passing judgment on the other person which only generates more resentment. For example, by saying: “ You always do the same thing, you will never change ”, you prevent the other person from wanting to solve the problem.

On the other hand, saying “ I get very nervous when you don’t tell me if you’re late ” will be a better option. This is because it describes the emotion and avoids judging the other person.

Resolve the conflict

“You messages” do not solve the basic problem, on the contrary, they usually make it worse. However, “me messages” are a good strategy for finding a solution between the two parties involved.

Focusing on describing what happened, expressing our feelings, and offering an alternative can go a long way in resolving the conflict.

How to use “me messages”?

• We formulate the sentence in the first person : “ I worry when… “, “ I feel bad when… “, “ I am sad because… “
• We describe the other person’s behavior as objectively as possible : “ When you are late without warning… “, “ When I explain how my day went and you take care of other things… ” , “ When you talk to my best friend… “
• We explain how this behavior makes us feel : “ … I have the impression that you do not respect me or that you do not value my time enough “, “ … I feel ignored “, “… j ‘feel like you don’t value me enough ‘
• We offer a solution : “ I would appreciate if you let me know when you are late “, “ I would prefer that next time we go shopping early to avoid so many queues ”, “ I would like to keep busy laundry in the middle of next week “

“Me messages” are useful for communicating with anyone: friends, partners, family, coworkers, or people we just met.

The important thing in this communication is to prevent the other person from feeling accused or guilty. On the contrary, she sees that we are exposing her to a situation that we are experiencing. And that we involve it in the solution, but without attacking it.

This way, she won’t be defensive and understand that we are not feeling well. It will therefore be much easier for him to want to collaborate in the resolution of the conflict.